Apple likes to boast that on the iPhone, there is an application for everything: there is even one that generates canned mission statements. The sample statements do evoke an eerie resonance with the various meaningless and vapid specimens I encountered in the companies I have worked for over the years. Here are some of the iMission statements:

Our mission is to continue to appropriately foster strategic value while continuing to conveniently empower alternative data while striving for technical leadership.

Our challenge is to authoritatively restore an expanded array of quality vectors in order to distinctively promote diverse testing procedures to stay competitive in tomorrow’s world.

It is our responsibility to intrinsically build leading-edge total linkage so that we may endeavour to synergistically streamline premium customer service for 100% customer satisfaction.

We will conveniently pursue optimal synergy and also globally negotiate standards-compliant collaboration and idea sharing to meet our customer’s needs. [as an aside, I can’t help noticing that the company that adopts this has only one customer; this is one more than the company deserves]

And now I know where the Diocese of Niagara’s Bishop Michael Bird obtained his vision statement:

Prophetic social justice‐making; flourishing culture of innovation; outstanding leadership for ministry; effective resource management.

Ever since the day in February 2008 when St. Hilda’s voted to realign with the Province of the Southern Cone, the Diocese of Niagara  has maintained the pretence of needing the building – not to sell it for the value of the land, oh no – to hold services for those parishioners who wished to remain with the diocese. Except there weren’t any, so, over the last year and a half the diocese has imported people from other parishes – usually about 4 or 5 people – to create the illusion of a congregation.

This account in that bastion of conservative Christianity, the Toronto Star, is how it began in February 2008:

Preaching duel no contest.

In the battle of duelling pastors at St. Hilda’s Anglican Church in Oakville yesterday, Rev. Paul Charbonneau pitched a shutout.

More than 100 members of his flock turned out for what could be the last service he celebrates at the half-century-old building on Rebecca St. in the town’s west end.

It could be the last because the congregation has voted unanimously to split with the Anglican Church of Canada over several issues of fundamental faith, including same-sex marriage, which the congregation opposes. It has chosen to align itself with the principles of the worldwide Anglican Church, from which it says the Canadian wing split years ago.

Leaders of the Church’s Diocese of Niagara want to boot the congregation and Pastor Paul from the building, even though the local folks have paid off the mortgage, and funded the upkeep and utilities without a nickel from head office.

The congregation refuses to hand over the keys to the place and are content to await the result of a court hearing on Friday to determine who owns what, who gets to stay and who must go.

The Diocese parachuted in a relief reverend yesterday morning, ostensibly to preach to disenfranchised St. Hilda’s parishioners upset by the move.

The only problem? There weren’t any.

Sensing there would be rows of empty pews facing Rev. Brian Ruttan, the Diocese made calls and sent emails to members of three area churches, enticing about two dozen strangers to fill the seats.

Since then, there have been a total of 4 relief reverends, the penultimate being Cheryl Fricker who gave up for the summer and posted this on the diocesan web site:

St. Hilda’s Services for July and August will be held together with St. Aidan’s at 318 Queen Mary Drive in Oakville. Service Time is 10:00 am and all are welcome!

The date today is September 23^rd and there has been no sign of the diocese in St. Hilda’s building on Sunday morning since June; even from the new  priest-poseur, Sue-Ann Ward. This makes the affidavit sworn by archdeacon Michael Patterson that the diocese has “15 to 25 adults and children in a creative and growing congregation” appear even more – creative.

There was the hint of a suggestion that I drove everyone away with a camera. Much as I would be happy to take credit for the cleansing of the temple, I fear that was not the case and the disappearance of the diocesan crew remains a Mystery.

St. Simon’s Anglican Church in Oakville is located opposite Sheridan College, which gives it a unique opportunity to witness to the many students who walk past every day. To this end, St. Simon’s, home of the local school of Wicca for budding Harry Potters has the following message on both sides of its parish sign.

Of course, the diocese is in desperate need of filthy lucre to fund rather expensive lawsuits against Christians in the three parishes that voted to leave the diocese and align with the Province of the Southern cone. Hence we have the Gospel of Cheap Parking.

The Diocese of Niagara, having been in serious decline for decades, is unable to pay the upkeep on many of its half-empty buildings. It is hoping that taxpayers will foot the bill to keep them open.

They’re stunning, iconic buildings that speak to a time of religious grace and opulence. They’re also aging, some without the means or devotees to return them to their former glory.

“In the future, what would be an ideal from our point of view would be to have a way of working with the heritage folks and the city so we could both preserve churches and develop the land around them, perhaps,” said Rick Jones, archdeacon with the Diocese of Niagara.

At the same time, it is trying to take three buildings away from ANiC parishes that actually could use them for what they were originally intended: worship. Bishop Michael Bird calls this the Pursuit of Excellence in Ministry.

Since the congregation of St. Hilda’s voted unanimously to join ANiC in February 2008 the diocese of Niagara has installed four “priests in charge” one after the other at its faux-St. Hilda’s:

Brian Ruttan:

Martha Tatarnic:

Cheryl Fricker:

and the latest, Sue-Ann Ward:

The diocese claims it wants to “build a congregation” and it has taken four priests about a year and a half to produce a congregation of approximately – zero.

Which leads to the obvious question for these “priests in charge”:

With Michael Bird’s announcement that the diocese of Niagara is to offer the blessing of same-sex couples this September (triads next September), it is only natural that the diocesan hegemony has its mind set on thrusting. Here’s the proof:

Donate Online
Your donation will help us thrust the Niagara Anglican into the future – communicating the Gospel and the good news of our Anglican tradition to generations to come.

Clearly, without a sufficient degree of thrusting, the Niagara Anglican tabloid is unlikely to find its way unassisted into the future; which would be a shame, since it is of an ideal consistency physically, spiritually and intellectually to make excellent kitty litter when ground up.

It would be remiss of me if I failed to draw attention to the gospel contained in this potential cat commode liner: it is none other that the good news of our Anglican tradition which, by and large, avoids any reference to God, Jesus, sin, atonement or any other of those embarrassingly lunatic notions peddled by rabid fundamentalists.

So, donate today or I will have to start buying commercial remedies to absorb feline feculence.

That august organ of Bishop Michael Bird’s crumbling empire, the Niagara Anglican has this to say about the diocese’s bright future:

Many Anglicans have had heavy hearts during the past year or two, as we watch a number of parishes close and a number of parishes depart from our diocesan family over ideological disagreements. In many ways, it feels like we can put all that in the past. The future is ahead and the future is bright.

The hearts of the diocesan administrators may indeed be heavy, but only because of the loss of the revenue that the departed orthodox churches contributed to diocesan coffers; at St. Hilda’s the only time we saw a bishop was when he wanted money – our perspective on the Christian faith was about as welcome as a ruptured haemorrhoid.

For many years now the diocese of Niagara has been in the forefront of the battle for justice in our society. In 1976 in one of the most important moments in the life of our church, John Bothwell, then Bishop of Niagara, ordained the first women to the priesthood. Generations before could never have imagined this happening. It was a great moment in our history and a great moment for the cause of justice in our society and in our church.

Women’s ordination has little to do with justice. It has more to do with a culture that is preoccupied with entitlement. It may have been a theological mistake to disallow women’s ordination – or it may not; there are good arguments on both sides of this issue. It may have seemed unfair – just like the rest of life – to women who felt called to ordained ministry, but unjust it was not.

Bishop Michael Bird, not unlike Bishop Bothwell in 1976 has taken another huge step in justice. Effective September 1st 2009 he will give permission for the blessing of civilly married persons, regardless of gender. This rite is a means for the church to extend affirmation, support and commitment to those who present themselves seeking a sign of God’s love in response to the love and commitment they express for each other and have already affirmed in a civil ceremony.

Similarly, it is no more just to bless same-sex civilly married persons than not to. Such a blessing is either in harmony with Christian theology or it isn’t; the position of 2000 years of Christian understanding is that it is not; there are no good arguments in its favour. The Anglican Church’s impulse to pander to a culturally induced fixation with imagined rights has caused it to stray from the truth, created havoc and will probably be one of the vehicles of its demise.

We are all being called to an ever-deepening faith that will enable us to move forward in justice, in love and in excellence in ministry. Our Church, in the Diocese of Niagara is alive and well!

Whistling in the dark.

Michael Bird, hot in pursuit of excellence and eager to keep up with the very latest in iMania technology, is now listed in Zoominfo.

When he used to work for a living, he was a wedding photographer; it must be a comfort for him to know he will have something to fall back on after his church implodes. He could specialise in gay weddings.

No educational information is available for Bird, a fact that confirms a number of my suspicions.

The glib answer might be “not if you are the bishop”, but the diocese does give us its answer here. It starts off promisingly enough:

The Creeds are statements that contain a summary of our basic beliefs. The word “Creed” comes from the Latin word creo which means “I believe.”

In the Anglican Church, we say both the Apostles’ Creed and the Nicene Creed in our worship. Because we are a community of faith, we openly declare our beliefs and in this way unite ourselves to Christians in the past, present and future.

When we get down to the thorny question, Do I have to Believe Everything in the Creeds, we find this answer:

Relationship with God is a personal journey and also one we share with others in this community of faith. The Creeds clearly state the beliefs of the Church, and we recite them as we join with those around us in the process of discovering our own relationship with God. So it is not easy to answer this question “yes” or “no,” It is important that we take part with fellow seekers in this lifelong journey.

So the requirement for a Christian in the diocese of Niagara is not actual agreement with the “beliefs of the Church”, rather a willingness to state them along with others – who presumably don’t believe them either – as we “discover[ing] our own relationship with God”, whatever that means. In saner times, this would be called “hypocrisy”; now it is a “personal journey”.

This stellar advice to the budding Christian was written by The Rev. Canon Michael Patterson when he was Director of Evangelism. Much of his tenure in that position was spent in engaging in focus groups to try and come to some understanding of what the word “Evangelism”  means; as far as I know there was never a final consensus. Having flunked evangelism, Canon Michael is employing his formidable talents in attempting to wrestle parish properties away from congregations that need them for worship; a task more suited to his abilities, perhaps.