Church of England responds to pre-Synod satirical blog

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The blog that has caused all the confusion can be found here.

And here is the church’s statement

We are aware of a blog entitled ‘Church of England’s Synod may abolish Holy Trinity to include Muslims’.

Apparently some commentators appear not to have realised the author intended it to be a joke. For the avoidance of doubt, this article is entirely without basis of fact, and is published marked as ‘satire’.

The agenda for the July 2018 General Synod can be found here, including details of all Private Member Motions listed for debate.

The Church of England remains fully committed to the doctrine of the Trinity.

As soon as I read this, I realised we had entered murky water: is the church’s statement itself satire? Who can tell anymore? If people thought Jules Gomes was being serious, it is only because what he said seems increasingly plausible.

Even the Church of England thinks it is sufficiently plausible that they are obliged to deny it.

Sometimes I think we are trapped in an ecclesiastical Matrix where nothing is real. In this Faustian simulation, rather than saving souls the church busies itself with fussing over gender fluidity, sexual deviancy of every variety, global warming, fossil fuels, buildings, status, armchair socialism, secular power and, most important, clergy pensions.

I am waiting for someone to pull the plug on the connection to the computer so that the church can reintroduce itself to reality.

TEC questions God’s gender

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After decades of diligent searching, The Episcopal Church has finally found a sentient being who is not entitled to self-identify as the gender of his choice: God. Even though God repeatedly refers to himself as “Father” in his autobiography, TEC is having none of it.

If we let God have its way in this, “our work toward equity will not just be incomplete, I honestly think it won’t matter in some ways”, said Rev. Wil Gafney, a Hebrew Bible professor who currently self-identifies as a woman.

When Gafney preaches ne sometimes refers to God as “She” rather than “He”; pretty offensive, since ne should be using the gender neutral “Ne” “Ze” or “Ve”.

I like to do my bit for the work toward equity.

From here:

The terms for God, in the poetic language of the prayers written for centuries, have almost always been male: Father. King. Lord.

And in the Episcopal Church, the language of prayer matters. The Book of Common Prayer, the text used in every Episcopal congregation, is cherished as a core element of Episcopal identity.

This week, the church is debating whether to overhaul that prayer book — in large part  to make clear that God doesn’t have a gender.

“As long as ‘men’ and ‘God’ are in the same category, our work toward equity will not just be incomplete. I honestly think it won’t matter in some ways,” said the Rev. Wil Gafney, a professor of the Hebrew Bible at Brite Divinity School in Texas who is on the committee recommending a change to the gendered language in the prayer book.

Canada readies itself for Hair of the Human that Bit You

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After 17 October 2018, when in Canada cannabis becomes legally available to the general public for the purpose of mass stupefaction, the popular but ineffective hangover remedy, “hair of the dog that bit you” will require the corollary in the headline above.

Recently, a man in the UK, perhaps attempting to shake off the after-effects of overindulging in that most innocent of narcotics, cannabis, became not only an aphoristic literalist but so euphorically witless that he was unable to notice the distinction between biter and bitee.

“Beware of the Human” signs will be available at your local Humane Society.

From here:

A cruel pet owner admitted to leaving his dog with horrific injuries by biting him while high on cannabis.

Tyler Laverick, 20, confessed that he sunk his teeth into his eight-month-old Staffordshire Bull Terrier named Diesel, last October.

At an initial hearing in April, the court was told that Diesel was seized by police after members of the public reported seeing the dog being assaulted by a male.

Officers attended Laverick’s former home in North Shields and found the pet with horrific injuries to his face, eyes and ears, inside the residence.

The court heard that when asked how the pet suffered the visible wounds to his head, Laverick responded by saying: ‘I was biting him, I was stoned’.

Bishop Jane Alexander denies tapping into the Zeitgeist while doing it

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Here are bishop’s remarks at synod in support of same-sex marriage:

play-sharp-fill

Her opening gambit, declaring LGBT people are “not an abomination” is a loaded statement along the lines of “when did you stop beating your wife?” It presupposes that there are conservatives in the church who think they are an abomination: no conservative I know thinks that.

She goes on to say that every person at the synod is “a beloved child of God”. Not quite. Every person is loved by God but before we receive Christ as Lord and Saviour, we are his creatures still in our sins deserving his wrath, not his children. Since this is an Anglican synod full of those averse to such ideas, I am sure there were at least some there that fell into the category of “creature”.

She moves then to piously declare that she will not pronounce LGBT people “not good enough” marry because, after all, we all take Communion together. This is another “when did you stop beating your wife?” statement. It has nothing to do with being “good enough”, it is a category error. Without redefining “marriage”, it is as impossible for a man to marry a man or a woman a woman as it is for them to marry a cabbage.

The bishop then meanders into the fantasy that marriage has little to do with sex so, by implication, we needn’t worry ourselves about the things homosexual couples get up to. Marriage is about relationship, not sex. No so: marriage is about relationship, erotic love and sex.

Now we reach the nub of the matter. Because Christian marriage is counter-cultural (it is), it must also be counter-cultural to marry homosexuals (it isn’t). The Anglican church is obsessed with homoerotic sexuality, just like the culture in which it immersed. It has absorbed, re-packaged and then regurgitated the obsession, but it is the same obsession: it is not counter-cultural.

This is the church pandering to culture.

Rabbit’s ears and the bishop

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Kevin Robertson is a homosexual bishop in the Anglican Church of Canada. He is unapologetic about what would at one time seem to be an unlikely combination: a male Anglican bishop married to another man.

Perhaps this improbable juxtaposition has unhinged his sensibilities or possibly the photographing of oneself with faux rabbit’s ears has liturgical significance. Or perhaps this signals an arcane sexual invitation beyond the comprehension of those immersed in the mundane confines of heterosexual mores. We may never know, but here is Kevin in multiple poses with rabbit’s ears:

Retired vicar reconciles with his male Romanian model husband

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Reconciliation: Justin Welby would be proud.

Rev. Philip Clements aged 79 is married to a male Romanian model aged 24. You will be surprised to learn that the relationship has had its ups and downs; but now they are back together.

Since the vicar is sexually inert due, he says, to his age, the relationship with his husband is celibate and, consequently, there is nothing wrong with it according to the Church of England.

Nevertheless, as far as I can see, there is nothing right with it, notwithstanding  its intrinsically sad, comedic properties.

From here:

A retired vicar who was left homeless after selling his house to buy his Romanian husband a flat has insisted their three-year romance is real.

Philip Clements, 79, said their relationship is better than ever as he appeared on the Jeremy Kyle programme with his husband Florin Marin this morning.

The pair married in April last year after meeting on dating app Grindr in 2015.

Mr Clements even sold his £215,000 home in Sandwich, Kent, to buy a flat in Bucharest, Romania – where Mr Marin was from – and transferred ownership into his new husband’s name.

The couple split after just a few months later due to arguments about Mr Marin’s nightlife. Mr Clements ended up returning to Britain with nowhere to live.

But in a U-turn the couple say they are now giving their relationship another try and put on a united front on the Jeremy Kyle show this morning.

Opening up about their relationship, Mr Clements said: ‘I don’t have any money but our relationship is better than ever, though I’m not sure if Florin agrees.

He revealed his relationship with Philip couldn’t be physical due to age but said that wasn’t a problem. The former chef said: ‘It’s not a problem with him, if I want a physical relationship with someone I will just tell Philip beforehand.’

Bishop Michael Curry still hasn’t found what he’s looking for

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The aura of celebrity that encircles Michael Curry’s head in place of a halo continued to grow brighter as he met with members of a rock band to talk about “the way of love”.

As you probably know, when they’re not busy playing rock and roll, making excessive amounts of money, and devising ways to evade paying tax,  Bono and the rest of U2 enjoy instructing star-struck bishops on the deep theological matters of the day.

From here:

Presiding Bishop Michael Curry met backstage this week with U2 and front man Bono at New York’s Madison Square Garden, where the Episcopal Church leader and the globally renowned rockers discussed Curry’s Reclaiming Jesus initiative.

The meeting happened in the evening June 25 just before the first of a series of U2 concerts in New York on the band’s Experience + Innocence tour. A photo released by the band shows the foursome posing with Curry.

“I know of no other group that has sung and witnessed more powerfully to the way of love than U2,” Curry said June 27 in a written statement to Episcopal News Service. “It was a real blessing to sit with them to talk about Jesus, the way of love, and changing our lives and the world. They are an extraordinary community gift to us all.”

A bishop cycles for reconciliation

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When I read that Bishop Rob Hardwick is “is cycling across Canada in the name of unity, healing and reconciliation”, I thought to myself, “at last someone in the Anglican Church of Canada is symbolically making amends for the shabby treatment of conservatives who have left the ACoC.”

I was wrong, of course; he is cycling to reconcile with Indigenous people, a worthy endeavour, no doubt, but so much easier than reconciling with those with whom one is still at war.

From here:

The Right Reverend Rob Hardwick is cycling across Canada in the name of unity, healing and reconciliation.
Hardwick, who has served as the bishop of the Diocese of Qu’Appelle for the past five years, knows about the often uneasy relationship between Indigenous and non-Indigenous people in Canada.

He says that his diocese, located in southern Saskatchewan, had the longest-running residential school in Canada.

“The pain of that, the pain of that history, is with us,” Hardwick said. “The pain of so many people that have lost their culture and have been abused in various ways.”

“This bike ride is a form of penance, in a way, but it’s also to try and bring reconciliation.”

The peddling bishop had a little mishap on his journey: the less than green SUV and camper that were following him ended up in a ditch. A fitting metaphor for the final resting place of his church:

An SUV towing a camper crossed the highway and landed in the ditch with the camper jackknifed mid-afternoon today.

The vehicle belongs to Bishop Bob (Diocese of Qu’Appelle) who is cycling across Canada praying for unity, healing and reconciliation within the Anglican Church of Canada and Aboriginal peoples (Living the Mission – Bishop’s Ride).

Church of Ireland suffering from GAFCON derangement syndrome

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The attendance of two Church of Ireland bishops at GAFCON has sent the Church of Ireland into a tizzy. The Church of Ireland claims to “provide a context in which people of diverse views on theology and liturgy can live and worship together.” The statement should read “diverse views that are not too orthodox.”

From here:

Church of Ireland dean accuses conference of ‘tactical use of homophobic rallying calls’

Attendance by two Church of Ireland bishops at the conservative Global Anglican Future Conference (Gafcon) meeting in Jerusalem last week has provoked deep anger among the church’s clergy.

They have described it as “an absolute disgrace”, “schismatic”, and as illustrating “how utterly out of touch some senior clergy” were with church membership.

[…….]

On Sunday, Church of Ireland dean of Waterford Maria Jansson asked “how can Bishops Harold Miller and Ferran Glenfield reconcile the vows they made at their consecrations as bishops to ‘maintain and further the unity of the church’ with their support of Gafcon which stridently endeavours to undermine that very unity?”

Their presence in Jerusalem illustrated “how utterly out of touch some senior clergy can become from the average member of the Church of Ireland”, she said.