Diocese of Niagara: gospels not historical

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It would appear that for the last 2000 years the gospels have suffered from the misunderstanding that they actually happened. Now at last, thanks to Spong, Borg et al – and a diocesan vision of distributive justice – the truth has come to light: Jesus’ teachings are mystical proclamations of faith completely uncontaminated by historical reality.

From the Niagara Anglican (page 11):

Jesus and his teachings have finally come back to light after being buried under layers of misinterpretation of the gospels as historical fact, rather than as “proclamations of faith” as their Jewish writers intended.

Fred Hiltz visits St. John's Shaughnessy, fails to plant flag

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In a touching display of anti-triumphalism, Fred Hiltz chose not erect an Anglican Church of Canada victory flag during his recent visit to St. John’s Shaughnessy.

Or perhaps it dawned on him that to win an empty building whose maintenance is draining $20,000 from diocesan coffers every month is a victory that, in the annals of empty victories, makes Pyrrhus look like an amateur.

From here:

As always, the Primate has been busy visiting dioceses across Canada. He highlighted his pastoral visit to three parishes in the Diocese of New Westminster that were returned to the diocese after a legal battle. For three days the Primate visited with people, accompanied by the Very. Rev. Peter Elliott. The Primate brought and blessed an Anglican Church of Canada flag for St. John’s Shaughnessy, but refrained from raising it because he did not want to convey a message of victory over those who had chosen to leave these parishes.

Richard Dawkins reckons a pig is more human than an unborn baby

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A recent tweet:

Dawkins tweet

By his own lights Dawkins has a point. In a naturalistic interpretation of the universe, pigs and people are simply different arrangements of atoms, molecules and DNA: there is nothing to say one is worth more than another unless the yardstick for measuring worth is complexity, in which case a human would win – but not a foetus.

Again, by Dawkins’ own Darwinian lights, a civilisation that aborts its young is liable to select itself out in the competition to survive. Liberals are industriously aborting themselves into oblivion, leaving Roman Catholics, Muslims and the Third World as a fitting epitaph to the anti-civilisation that Dawkins is helping create.

It’s just as well that Dawkins is wrong: a human from the time of conception is made in the image of God and is of infinitely more value than a pig. Even Richard Dawkins was made in God’s image – hard to believe, I know.

Just in time for Easter: a book claiming that Jesus was a shape-shifter

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Not only that: Pontius Pilate attended the Last Supper and generously offered his own son as a sacrifice instead of Jesus. It will also come as no surprise that Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss to forestall his shifting his appearance into someone else – John Cleese, for example.

The contortions to which people are prepared to subject themselves in order to avoid the straightforward truth of the Gospel never cease to amaze. In this case, the perpetrator of this anfractuous lucubration is an emeritus professor of the History of Christianity, whose only excuse must be  that his prolonged study of Gnosis and Western Esotericism has fatally eroded the natural resistance to gullibility with which the Creator endowed the rest of us at birth.

Perhaps I am being too hard on the good professor, since he was only the translator of the 1200 year old manuscript that makes these claims; nevertheless, he does seem to have a predilection for disseminating material that is patently absurd in its attempt to muddle Christianity.

From here:

A 1,200-year-old Egyptian manuscript tells the story of the crucifixion with incredible plot twists – including the revelation that Jesus could change shape.

The ancient illuminated text’s claim explains why Judas used a kiss to betray Jesus, since the Christian Messiah had the ability to transform his appearance.

It also claims Jesus in fact spent his last supper with the man who ordered his execution, Roman prefect Pontius Pilate, who is said to have offered to sacrifice his own son in Jesus’ place.

And it defies the official Easter timeline by putting the day of Jesus’ arrest on Tuesday evening, rather than the canonically agreed Thursday.

The translation from the original Coptic has been revealed for the first time in a new book by Roelof van den Broek, emeritus professor of the History of Christianity at Utrecht University in the Netherlands.

In the commonly-accepted Bible story it is claimed that the apostle Judas agrees to betray Jesus in exchange for cash, then kissed him to reveal his identity.

The newly-deciphered text explains that, far from a sign of affection or guilt, the kiss was Judas’ way of forestalling any shapeshifting confusion.

Canada’s never ending quest for significance quenched once again

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The National Post, rather than running a headline announcing who the new Pope is, instead proclaimed that a Canadian was not chosen; but he might have been.

Marc Ouellet not selected as Pope, but was a serious contender for the role

In a massive break with tradition, the conclave of cardinals has chosen a someone from outside Europe Catholic church, but it was not the former bishop of Quebec Marc Ouellet, but instead electing Argentine Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio now known as Pope Francis I.

That didn’t mean that Ouellet wasn’t in the running.

Victoria’s Christ Church Cathedral to begin same-sex blessings

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From here:

The congregation at Victoria’s Christ Church Cathedral voted overwhelmingly last week to allow same-sex blessings in the church, more than a decade after Vancouver-area Anglican churches did the same.

“The Anglican church has been talking about this for more than 30 years,” Rev. Logan McMenamie says.

[….]

McMenamie laments the parish members he has lost because of the slow changes, but said more progress will be made at upcoming diocese gatherings.

Don’t worry about the members you have lost, Rev. Logan McMenamie. Now you are offering same-sex blessings, rejoice in the prospect of the hitherto reluctant hordes that will soon queue outside your doors every Sunday, eager to worship before the altar of your equality deities.

Then again, it may work out more like those who have gone before you in pioneering compulsive inclusion – like the Dioceses of New Westminster and Niagara: you could find yourself scrambling to close dozens of empty churches every year.

The Anglican Church of Canada and Cheez Whiz

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Dean Southworth invented Cheez Whiz. Not only did he invent it, he liked eating it. Until one day in 2001 when, on sampling a jar, his taste buds recoiled with disgust:

So it was with considerable alarm that he turned to his wife one evening in 2001, having just sampled a jar of Cheez Whiz he’d picked up at the local Winn-Dixie supermarket. “I said, ‘Holy God, it tastes like axle grease.’ I looked at the label and I said, ‘What the hell did they do?’ I called up Kraft, using the 800 number for consumer complaints, and I told them, ‘You are putting out a goddamn axle grease!’ ”

The reason for this less than satisfying culinary experience was revealed on reading the list of ingredients. Kraft has taken the cheese out of Cheez Whiz:

One crucial ingredient was missing, however. From its earliest days, Cheez Whiz always contained real cheese. Real cheese gave it class and legitimacy, Southworth said, not to mention flavor. Now, he discovered, not only was cheese no longer prominently listed as an ingredient, it wasn’t listed at all.

What has this got to do with the Anglican Church of Canada, you may be wondering. Simple: when you remove a vital ingredient from something it tends to become repellent. In the case of Cheez Whiz, the missing ingredient is cheese; for the Anglican Church of Canada, it’s Christianity.

The Church according to Tolstoy

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I first read War and Peace when I was around twenty during a week when I was confined to the house, sick; Tolstoy’s books became something of an addiction and I devoured all I could find. He had an unsurpassed ability to understand people better, seemingly, than they understand themselves – perhaps I was looking for inspiration on who on earth I was.

Tolstoy was a Christian in his own peculiar way and, consequently, had a rather dim view of organised religion.

Here, George Jonas quotes a character in War and Peace to enlighten us on the state of the church. As is often the case these days, a non-Christian demonstrates a better understanding of the church as embodied in mainline denominations than those who pretend to run it.

I periodically return to Helene Bezuhov, who plays a minor role in the novel War and Peace. Exquisitely drawn, like all of Tolstoy’s creations, once you make the Countess Bezuhov’s acquaintance, you can’t quite forget her.

[….]

“According to her understanding,” writes Tolstoy, describing Helene, “the whole point of any religion was merely to provide recognized forms of propriety as a background for the satisfaction of human desires.”

How better to describe the Anglican Church of Canada?

Later in War and Peace, Tolstoy merely hints at the debaucheries to which La Belle Hélène sinks – unlike today’s novelists who would be able to focus their dubious talents on little else. Her extravagant abandonment to obscure expressions of concupiscence would probably be enough to make a Catholic Bishop blush. Not an Anglican bishop, though.