The Alpha course has reached every denomination in almost every country; it has touched the lives of hundreds of thousands of people, many of whom have found Christ through it. It started in an Anglican church (Holy Trinity, Brompton) and it begins by asking the most basic questions: why are we here; what is life about; what happens when I die. This year we have, ‘Is there more to life than this?’

Not surprisingly, it is Evangelical.

Evangelical is not good enough for liberal churches such as the United church, so they have produced their own ersatz-Alpha Handbook – and hope to export it to gullible Anglicans. Forget about the trite percontations of life and death that plague naive Evangelicals; the important stuff is in the Handbook. For example, when bringing a salad in a Jell-O mold to a potluck, don’t forget to use less water than the recipe calls for; it doesn’t get deeper than that. Order your copy now before they are all snapped up by potential church-going Jell-O mold aficionados.

From the Toronto Star:

The Handbook, at times instructional, at times irreverent, attempts to break down that intimidation factor by giving short instructions on how to act in church, from the time you walk through the door and are handed a church bulletin to the time you leave and drop the bulletin in the recycling bin.

Douglas put together the book with partner Nanette McKay after getting permission to use a similar U.S. publication as a template. Douglas and McKay have been stationed in Fiji for the past two years, working with local social justice groups on behalf of the church.

Their book describes in great detail basic churchgoing procedures: how to receive communion, pass the collection plate and hold a hymnal and what to bring to a potluck. (Casseroles and salads are good, and if you bring a salad in a Jell-O mold, use less water than the recipe calls for, the book advises.)

There are also tips on identifying the type of a minister you have depending on the type of clothes he or she is wearing. (The alb and stole represent the minister role as a servant of God, while sandals and coffee stains may show little interest in material goods.)

Some tips are meant for those who have been going to church for a while, such as how to get off a committee. (Find a replacement.)

Douglas says many of the lessons might seem obvious or even silly, but he wanted to make sure nothing was left out. “If you don’t know this stuff, you think it all matters,” he says.

While written for the United Church, Douglas says the lessons can be applied in general terms to just about any denomination. Some, such as those on potlucks and committees, might apply to any group of people.

But there are, of course, aspects that are strictly Christian, such as prayer posture, the 60 essential Bible stories and three versions of the Lord’s Prayer – the sorts of things dealt with exclusively in Bruce’s Jesus 24/7 workbook….

Workbook author David Bruce, minister at Toronto’s Leaside United Church, sees Jesus 24/7 as an alternative to the more evangelical Alpha, but one that allows readers to take a more liberal approach to the gospels than is seen in the British creation. Its intention, however, is the same: to help bring people into the fold through better understanding of basic Bible stories.